How do you grieve the loss of a spouse?

Updated: Jan 19

In promoting my new book-A Shattered Life Restored, I wrote this post as part of my blog tour.

It is a topic I am very much familiar with but thought I had long gotten over it until the release for my book approached.

WHAT IS GRIEVING?

According to mayoclinic.org, "Grief is a strong, sometimes overwhelming emotion for people, regardless of whether their sadness stems from the loss of a loved one or from a terminal diagnosis they or someone they love have received."

They went on further to say that when we grieve, "we might find ourselves feeling numb and removed from daily life, unable to carry on with regular duties while saddled with their sense of loss."

I felt like that when I lost my husband Jeff.

Jeff and I were the best of friends, always sharing everything. I could even look at another man and say to my beloved, ‘Jeff that man looks nice doesn’t he?’ and he wouldn’t be jealous about it. He knew me well enough to understand when I compliment another that it’s just that and nothing more.

We knew each other for four years before we finally got married. It was great getting to know each other. We were in different countries at the time we courted and would write letters and call each other every day. What strengthened our relationship was our belief in Psalm 127—we always ended our phone calls with one reading the word and the other praying.

It built our spiritual lives and our relationship so much—we became a part of each other in more ways than just having a physical connection.

Friday, July 17, 2009, was the last time I spoke to Jeff; it was just before I left for church that night.

The strange thing too, was after service that night my pastor’s wife told me she had a dream of seeing me in a valley of blood, but she wasn’t sure if it was me or another Marsha who also came to the church.

I wasn’t sure what it meant at the time.

The following day—the Saturday I called Jeff like I usually did—his phone rang out. I thought he had gone to visit his friend who had a truck he usually helped with. I called again later that evening, still nothing. He usually called me when he got home so when he didn’t that night, I wondered what happened and called his house—this time it was his cousin, Ann, who answered.

She told me his mom was not able to speak and so she was the one who bore the news to me. It was a shock at first. When I hung the phone up, I did not cry or reacted. I did not believe it.

There say there are Five Stages of Grief

1. Denial and isolation

I certainly was experiencing this feeling of denial- it was something I had never experienced before and it felt unreal. The only thing I could think of doing was calling my pastor, and he told me not to get bitter. A bit of advice many would shun but it kept me from turning from God. We had only been married exactly 22 days before he died in his sleep because of prescriptions he mixed. He had fallen down the stairs some months previous and the pain had returned which caused him to reach for pain tablets- so a word of caution to those of you who try one medication for pain and because it doesn’t work you try another before that one is out of your system.

That Sunday I went to church and when the pastor spoke to the congregation about it that was probably the only time I cried openly. It still hadn’t hit me as yet.

2. Anger

I never really experienced this stage, as I knew when it happened that God had a purpose through it. However, I found that I dwell a bit in the next stage of this grieving process.

3. Bargaining

I remember how I kept on praying for God to bring him back like he did Lazarus- I had that much faith to believe in the miracle of resurrection or maybe it was just the grief talking. It was during one of those days while I was praying that the Lord revealed to me it was a test- like Abraham was.

4. Depression

Since that Sunday of going to church, I withdraw to myself and didn’t go anywhere, not even church. I just felt sad and hurting. Tears would fall from my face without me making a sound. I just found myself thinking about everything we used to do during those days together. Sometimes I felt an eerie presence around me, which I knew wasn’t Jeff, but an evil spirit that was feeding off my pain-something I added to Meg’s experience in the book. I had to really do some warfare praying one night to rid myself of that evil presence that comes around us when we lose someone.

I thought I would have heard from my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ during those days when they didn’t see me at church—but only two persons called me a few times to see how I was. Not even my pastor called.

I found myself thinking of so many others going through something similar—all alone and wondered how they got through. Sure I had family, but none seem to understand my pain. I was angry at my church and thought about the parable of Jesus leaving the 99 sheep to look for that one lost soul.

How many churches remember the members of their congregation that don’t show up for some reason and seek to find out how they are?

Although I was hurting, God was allowing me to see many things that affect so many of us. It was his presence that kept me. It was always around me; no exaggeration. I felt him every day and it felt like he was hugging me. God loved me enough to stay with me through all that and at first I almost didn’t want it. I wanted just a hug- not someone to preach to me—just a hug. I cried every day and by myself.

5. Acceptance

Soon I grew to appreciate God’s presence and embraced the experience to be able to give some of His love and hope to others.

I am healing but even though it has been 9 years, I still miss my best friend and I know many of you will always miss your loved ones as well.

Writing this book came to me with just seeing a woman sitting at a train station looking sad. I had no idea what God had planned through it but I knew that it is meant to heal and bring hope. I hope you will check out my book, enjoy the story, let the characters lift you up out of the darkness and help you feel God’s love around you as He was with me. Let me hear from you if you have a story of your own to share or if mine blessed you in any way.

For those of you who have lost someone dear to you as I have, I am also including a free printable booklet I made just for you to help you during your grieving. They are scriptures I have been using as well and what has helped me through mine.